Ever since I was a kid, there's only a single language that is being used to communicate between my parents and myself. This is mainly the reason why I can't converse in mandarin or cantonese... yet. Though I did have temporary tuition classes during my primary school years, it didn't really help much I must admit. I still believe that the one most effective way of mastering a language is to converse in it as frequent as possible, better still if one were to start young. And so, I could only speak in the commonly used language in Penang. The colourful language of Hokkien.

Now why is it colourful? It's because a certain combination of words using your imagination could result in a new phrase that may be hillarious and tickle your bone. A little mixture of words here and a few tweaks over there and *snaps finger* you have yourself a new phrase to insult your most hated teacher/lecturer/classmate. Of course there's a pile of vulgar words in this language too. Can't ignore its existence since any language around the world definitely has its own cursing words. You have to admit though, without the proper words how are you going to vent your anger? Unless you're willing to go behind bars by beating up someone who pissed you off, you should be glad that these foul languages are within your knowledge. Alright then, enough with the craps, now I wanna go through some widely used phrases in Hokkien that I've heard of in my entire life in my hometown.

Ah Beng - this unsophisticated Chinese boy, usually a Hokkien lang (person) prefers bright or neon coloured clothes complementary with moussed spiky hair. Also regarded as enthusiasts of handphone accessories. They just love to modify everything they have, don't you think so? They modify everything from their appearance to their cars to their cellphones.

Ah Lian - now comes the female equivalent of Ah Beng, this pet-name literally means lotus flower. Speaks with a typically loud voice, probably so as to let people around to notice their existence. Hardcore attention seekers (this includes ALL the ladies, but not as extreme as Ah Lians)

Bak Chew Tak Stamp - a hybrid of Hokkien and English, this simply translates as "eyes pasted over with stamp". A funny way of telling a person that he/she is blind to be stepping in a pile of shit in broad daylight.

Chap Cheng - it simply means "mixed kinds" or "ten kinds" in Hokkien. Quite an insulting way to refer to people of mixed racial backgrounds. Can be used in a foul mouthed argument as well. (e.g. Si chap cheng kia, lu siong ha mi? = Bastard, what are you staring at?)

Chao Kah - Hokkien for "smelly feet". Here it simply means a sore loser or a cheat.

Chiak Chow - literally translated as "eat grass". It is used to describe temporary poverty endured by a spendthrift.

Chui Kong Lum Pah Song - a Hokkien phrase that translates as "mouth talks, testicles feeling nice". It is used to describe someone who goes on about his own self just to please himself with no benefit to the people around whatsoever.

How Seow - a rude term that simply means "nonsense" or "bullshit". Like going around telling people that your grandfather was Batman is an absolute bullshit. Mang how seow la~

Pak Chew Cheng - literally translates as "hit the hand gun". An alternative phrase to masturbation.

Pang Puay Kee - it directly means "fly aeroplane" but it's commonly used to describe the feeling of being stood up (a person missing out on the appointment with you).

Too Lan - a rather rude Hokkien term to describe the feeling of disgruntled or extremely pissed off. (e.g. when you got Pang Puay Kee a little too often)

There are many more where those came from. This post is made for the purpose of a light-hearted sense of humour to the language speakers all around. Cheers~

It all started few months ago when the version of MSN 7 was newly released into the cyberspace for regular chatters like me to download. I have to admit that the latest version, MSN 7.5 is indeed fun to use with some new features. The obvious addition to it is of course the voice clip messaging. However, my chatting nightmare is not related to its new messaging method.

I remember back then when most of the people in my contacts list were still using MSN 6, chatting was just, needless to say, chatting. Unlike the situations that I'm in now. As of now, conversing in MSN with some of my friends have become more like WATCHING MINI CARTOONS. So why am I complaining? Obviously I'm annoyed by the countless animated icons that have been appearing in almost every chat windows that I have been chatting in. It is true that MSN created this feature to add some spice and a sense of fun into this software but an overuse (abuse) of it has really taken out the concept of chatting from its originality.

I remembered when I first used an animated icon and yes, I admit I do use them from time to time. Animated icons back then were merely used to bring out the smile on someone's face. There are a few cute creatures icons that I have used (mostly when chatting with the ladies) but I don't use them to the extreme point that every damn sentence that I type ends with a blue seal waving its ass at you. Somehow I guess that's where animated icons such as the bouncy alphabets and pathetically drawn smileys started to spawn from. These two aside, even the dots a.k.a full stops have their very own bouncing version. Almost everything they type out is animated. Now do you understand why it feels like watching cartoon while chatting in MSN? Well as far as I'm concerned, it does.

Lately, instead of reading the word "shit" I have been seeing a pile of it in the chat window visually. Well, typing a pile of poo literally (say "shit") is still common but giving me a visual description of it is like telling me that I haven't seen a pile of dung before. This is like telling me that I have to look at an erected dick to know that it's real. Not only this, giving the expression that you're laughing by typing 'hehe' is clear enough. There is really no need to make it shake vigorously to show that you are laughing like a hyena in front of your screen. I have one or two animated icons for this laughing expression too. But I still prefer to describe it in words, really. I would appreciate it if someone expresses their delight at my lame jokes with a wide mouth smiley or any smileys that doesn't actually MOVE. It's okay to use the animated ones and though it's nice to see new different icons from different chat buddies, too frequent use of it feels er, awkward.

Those who use and are using it still have said that they just like the icons. After a long while since I started using MSN, I am now taking a slightly longer time to read what my friends typed after this recent evolution of the instant messenger. There are cases where an icon of a cartoon character shaking or nodding its head were named "no"/"nop" or "yes"/"yea"/"ya". Hence, when my friends construct a sentence like "Why are you not asleep yet?", I can see a dumb looking Casper along that sentence, shaking its head in disagreement. Then there are icons with glowing MANDARIN WORDS. Please pardon me but WHICH PART OF MY FACE SHOWS YOU THAT I CAN READ MANDARIN??! Of course I didn't reply with any rude remarks. Instead, being the usual nice fella that I've always been, I right click on the "creative" icons and then click add to see what is the freakin' word that is used as the command. Though not every sentence requires me to do so but this is really, seriously, annoyingly getting on my nerves.

Imagine having myself in an emergency situation and asking for help through the instant messenger. Someone in the house just dropped dead got a bad fall and I could see some blood (exaggerating). I hurried myself to the pc and open up my contact list. I pick a friend who is online to ask that person to come over and help out. And when I start the conversation, what do I see? Glowing alphabets saying 'hi' to me, an arrow glide upwards asking me 'what's up' and last but not least, STEPHEN CHOW SHING CHI's FACE LAUGHING AT ME at the end of his sentence. In case I got the spelling of his name wrong, that is a famous Hong Kong actor who is a funny guy actually. Anyway, with all those fancy stuff that appear throughout the convo, I think I'd rather carry the dead body injured person by myself. Maybe the fella might even die laughing due to the excessive use of the so-called "cool" icons.

A tip for adding smileys/emoticons/animated icons in the future. Please, for the love of MSN use the bracket symbols or any other symbols together with the shortcut keys that you're going to use. Some examples of how I entered commands for those icons are as follows:

- (fuck)
- [you]
- /btch

By typing in commands with such symbols it would do many people using MSN a big favour, especially me, yours truly. Let's say, when you feel like cursing and lashing out at someone. You forgot that you once added a 'doggie style' icon. It was inserted the word 'fuck' as its command so without thinking much you start filling up the chat between you two with that word. You relentlessly cursing him with word in a fit of anger, giving your best to upset that person. But no, instead of feeling guilty the one you're scolding is actually smiling at the other end. Because the chat window is showing a shorty screwing a dog in 9 out of 10 of your raging phrases. So instead of seeing the cursing words, he's actually thinking that you please your dick by screwing animals. Get the picture? If you don't, I could do some demonstration (in MSN la!) to enlighten you.

It's been a long while since I last been to the beach. Walking barefoot on the sand while having my feet washed by the oncoming small wave of salty sea water kinda brings back the old childhood days. When I was eager to look for different shapes of sea shells that were brushed ashore. When I would just run along on the wet sand to leave footprints just to see them being washed away by the sea.


Having the mild wind blowing against me, I looked back over my shoulder to see a bunch of kids playing around on sand. Reminds me of those times when we were still kids. A simple way of enjoying ourselves. Memories of one whole family having a leisure time. Though now we're on our separate ways leading separate lives, how I wish we wouldn't have to grow old. Realising that times like these don't come by easily anymore, thinking back those times never ceased to amaze me, just how fast time flied by.


Memories....

When one says that money isn't everything, is that person being deceitful or just merely acting like a noble carefree person feeling content with life? Taking out of the picture the retired old men and women, which youngster these days does not give a deep thought on career? But first, let me list down several examples of activities in life that deal closely with money. No wait, practically almost everything we do and need in life requires money so to hell with it.

It is indeed arguable to think that some people tend to ignore the strong influence that money can have on the acts of human beings, be it for the good or the bad. There's even a saying that goes 'Money is the root of all evil'. I wonder who's the "genius" that came up with that saying. If it is so sinful to possess it, why are we even donating it to CHARITY?! If you walk up to any non-profit organizations that hold charity events regularly, I can bet that the most sought after form of donations is, undoubtedly m-o-n-e-y. So get this, charities are seeking the root of all EVIL. Somehow I have this gut feeling that a person who lost all of his assets through gambling came up with that saying. Or maybe not. Who am I kidding?

This post is merely to defy the people who bluntly think that money isn't everything. Okay then, physiological needs (food, shelter, clothes) aside, your college/university courses require big sum of money for the short few years. Even more so if you're planning to experience tertiary education overseas. When you're hanging out with your pals [insert time-wasting activity here], a considerable amount of money is also required. Not to mention the price of fuel that has increased by leaps and bounds over the recent years. What about buying the stuff that interests you? If your pockets were filled with, say, 5,000 dollars ringgit when you're browsing through some shops with high profile brands, don't tell me you will just walk away without even getting at least an item even though you're attracted to it. Why would you wanna lie to yourself? Then again, what are those nationwide mega sales for if it wasn't for sucking out that extra cash from you.

Then there's the harsh truth that most are unwilling to admit. The influence that money has on a long term relationship. Without money, how do you expect to shower your girl with gifts and flowers etc to make her happy? It is usually a guy's task to get the gifts unless the one (you) who is reading this is a lesbian. I wonder what it's like in a relationship of lesbos. *shudders*

Now picture this. A porche posh car made its way to the front porch of a fancy restaurant and a fat slob got out from the car. He hastily saunters to the right passenger's door while adjusting his pants from further down away from his santa-like belly. As the slob opens the door, a hot looking sexy momma steps out from the car and gleefully being escorted into the dining hall. Those who are on the lady's side would say that it is LOVE. Please la~ If I were to give a more loathsome description of that fat slob, l-o-v-e is definitely out of the picture here. This is not being materialistic here, this is being realistic. Of course I'm not disagreeing that beauty is in the eye of the beholder but for fark's sake we all know that the only thing that made the bespectacled hippo "charming" is the fat wallet behind his fat ass. Logical, no?

It's not like I'm posting this up to promote and spread materialism around. In recent years countless reality t.v shows have fluorished and captivated millions of audiences worldwide. And the sole purpose of such t.v shows is of course none other than winning 1 million [insert currency here] after completing the whole duration of embarassment, agony, pain and exposure (to the ugly side of human beings e.g. backstabbing). During the course of these competitions, you will get to witness the pride of the participating individuals being brutally battered and their dignity being questioned and tested. Some went to the extent of mocking each other and jeopardising friendships and other relationships when things go wrong. When asked by the host about what they would do if they win the cash, some say they're for education, loans and bills. For some it would be an opportunity to realise their dreams by travelling around the world. But before you get to your dreams, where are you going to get the dough? Gently rub the lamp to call out the genie and say to him "Show me the money"? Yeah, in your pathetic stinking dreams.

In another matter, would there even be some "bad seeds" among the police officers in the nation if they were given a better pay? There were things that I've read online that projected despicable impressions on the police force of M'sia. Wrongful treatment on its own local citizens is indeed the best cruel way to kill off one's spirit, let alone patriotism. Perhaps the world could become a better place if money were to fall from the sky, but that would be the day that someone like me pigs could fly.