Thinking back of the good old days of my school life in primary school, I remember several categories of pathetically lame essays that I was instructed forced to write as homeworks and also as part of the exam questions. Since I went to a national school, I had no choice but to write essays in both English and Malay languages.

Back then, writing essays was a pain in the ass for me 'cause I never really had an awful lot of ideas to enrich my imagination and put them into words whenever I was required to write essays. Reading and writing stories made me disgustingly sick of that story-starting phrase, for example "Once upon a time, there was a rotten smelling teacher who demanded I finished my essay on time or else I would be sodomised". I never get to write my essays like that, since during those times the "whip bearers" roamed around the school freely with an appetite to cane the luscious little butt cheeks of innocent but lazy students like me. *LoL* I think that was primary reason the school had a reputable disciplinary record.

Now back to the essays. Like I said earlier, there were a number of kinds of nonsense that I had to write out during my primary school days. One of them that I can still remember clearly till this day is writing about yourself. When I said writing about yourself, I mean writing unecessary details about your parents, your siblings, your D.O.B, your age and the list goes on. Shiet~ As if my parents would buy me more comics and double my 'angpow' money when they know that I mentioned about them in my homework. Why not I mention the length of my dick in the essay as well since it's about myself too? No wait.. I can't, because my bald and "wrinkled" teachers would be very ashamed of themselves that they might have to transfer me to another school.

Another category of essay that I remembered was writing about your pet. Yes, I'm supposed to write about a creature that I don't even keep at home. What a "smart" way to improve my writing skills. Here I actually had to think deep and think hard to crap about an animal, a particular pet that you keep at home. Why did I have to crack my head for this specific fucked up essay? It was simply because I never had any pets at home. It is never possible especially when you have a mom who is a neat freak. When you talk about pets, the choices of animals are really limited unless you keep 'black widows', porcupines and other sorts of wild animals at home. I'm wondering... would I have been sent to the principal's office if I had written about pigs in my essay, particularly in Malay language? I can imagine a part of the essay that goes like this:

"Saya ada seekor babi. Namanya dipanggil 'Pink Bacon'. Umurnya baru melepasi 5 bulan. Tetapi ada sesuatu yang pelik tentang si gemuk ini. Walau berapa kali pun saya mandikannya, ramai orang akan terbeliak mata mereka lalu melarikan diri lintang pukang setiap kali saya membawanya bersiar-siar. Apabila saya hidu dekat badannya, saya tidak mendapati badannya busuk. Yang peliknya, kebanyakan orang Melayu jerit "HARAM!" beberapa kali sambil menjauhkan diri daripada Pink Bacon saya. Saya sangat tidak fahamlah. Si babi saya ini bukanlah garang seperti harimau. Lari mengejar pun tidak berupaya. Apa yang menakutkan orang-orang Melayu itu, saya tidak fahamlah."

That was written partially based on my lame and naive imagination. I had to picture myself as a nine year-old kid in order to achieve a decent output such as the above. Can't expect much since my B.M is only average, VERY average. Never get an 'A' for that subject before. *Sigh* Arhhh.. not that I care.

There were essays on your favourite sports too. More than a decade ago I had very limited exposure to sports, therefore my writings can be said to be dull and boring. If only throwing fireworks at your buddies and chasing cute innocent kittens were considered a sport, my essays would have been getting satisfying grades man~! As expected, we students would be choosing the common games like soccer, badminton and swimming. Extreme sports were out of the question since there was no 'Fear Factor' back then. We didn't know we could some day win big bucks by eating ugly looking bugs that resemble some of my teachers. We didn't know that we could win cold hard cash by eating a horse's dick or a buffalo's testicles. We really didn't see it coming lah~ *Ish ish* In those days all we ever knew when participating in a sports competition was 1) beating the shit out of your opponents, 2) get the trophy/medals, 3) get your pay cheque and 4) get the fuck home. If you fail, you can come back with steroids etc. again next year and try harder. Well, that's the normal procedures.

Then there was the essay on MY AMBITION. Yes, here I was told to write about what I wanted to be when I grow up and shits like that. There were numerous essays that focused on that issue that I had to write to satisfy the teachers' ass. Out of all those 'ambitious' craps that I had written, none was really my ambition. In other words, I LIED~! I lied in ten out of ten essays on that topic. Whether it was just a routine homework given by teachers at school or in tuition classes, my so-called "ambition" was never the same in each of those essays. I remember going from being a teacher to doctor to a fisherman to a pimp daddy! Well, I made up the pimp daddy part but my point is I never knew what I wanted to be.. at all!

After twenty-one years of existence........ and I still don't know what I want to do with my life.